... have you seen my spoon?

...it was during the today cleaning session when I had remembered a funny story which I say is representative for my personality, especially my affection part :).

3 years ago I guess I’ve been traveling in the North part of the country with a group of scouts, not any kind of scouts, but catholic scouts :)) - thing which made me want never to travel again in such a company..
It was winter, it was even close to Christmas Day and the initial plan was for us to spend these holidays in the realm of traditions, in villages of the north, staying over peasant's houses. Of course that this was a very nice plan, in the end anyone like to return to their own roots, especially us urban creatures, but in the end for me the dream didn't came true. I decided after the first 4 or 5 days with them to leave them and do something to my own they were too much for me - but this is another story.

We arrived at some point in some large city in North, and the organizers, the chief scout, were getting us to sleep to a house which was the property of the catholic church from that city. In this house we all ate together of course. We all contributed with money and bought food, some were cooking it, some washing the dishes. It was truly a scoutish thing - everything in common, even going to bathroom...

In the last day I was supposed to wash the dishes. There were piles of plates, mugs, glasses, knives... and suddenly just before everyone was about to leave - it was in the afternoon when we had train- I realized that I had lost my SPOON in this pile of dishes!!!!!! - this sound like in that joke with the 3 little frogs when the 3rd one couldn't drink any water because she forgotten her cup at home....

I started to look for my spoon. "Have you seen my spoon?"..."It was a soup spoon with no pattern on it. Was simple..."... "No!?!??!" ...

Finally I had founded my spoon. I still have it even today. Is the spoon I use for cooking in the mountains when I go camping :)) That's why :)

patterns

I started to think that we are bounded to a certain destiny or fate. in this last week i believe i've even had the example to proove it. ...
Are we born to fallow a pattern that rarely, if never, will be broken? ...any time we will try to be different, or in other way that we are expected to be we will be considered weirds, strange, we will be incriminated, marginalised, feel shame and rejection. While if we are fallowing the patterns we are expected to, we will .......what?....succede more easily?, succede what? and who will give their dreams and hopes for a life that they don't really think is theirs or that they wanted.

...

need for oxygen
aalto

mail sample...

Hello Mr. I had been waiting for you for 30 minutes. Where were you? I was completly bald with sunglasses.

river

i think i am going crazy... I am thinking more and more of escape.. escape of this place, life... i picture myself a sky a beautiful blue sky in night. Is clear and you can see all the stars of the milky way.... i feel like giving up and run... and see what if... what if i choose not to be rich, not to have a car, house, job, a healthier life...

What would i loose, if i choose not to be as everyone else expects me to be?

..and under the night, blue sky full of stars i row down the river under the branches of the trees...leafless trees...the sky is silent and the whole nature is silent... stars are watching ... trees are watching ....

going down the river ... fallowing my path.... flowing through life... under the trees and stars in a boat .....

How can i meet God?

Staying with my head in my hands in the middle of the ocean, on a bench.... I am above the emptiness, below emptiness. I am surrounded by emptiness.

And I am thinking if I am a part of it. And why I can't move? Why can't I leave the empty space and get on the other side. Because I am the space itself. And I can't leave myself. I am in the center of my universe, which is the center of my universe, which is the center of my universe, which is .....

If I would step out of the bench I would fall and never stop. I need to think. If I take the step I will die for sure I would drawn in the ocean. The oxygen is a drug. It keeps me alive. If I want to be free I need to stop breathing. Were would I go then?

Sitting on a toilet one leg suspended above void the other one on the cold ceramic floor. What will happen if I’ll decide stepping in the void? Would I disappear forever? Would I leave the world which for me is represented by a toilet?

I'm thinking.

Now I am on the other part of the void. I am on the same bench, but now I breathe water. I feel how water is passing through me, through my lungs. I can see the sky under me - the air emptiness. If I step out of the bench I will fall in the sky. I'll drawn myself in air.

Maybe I'll meet God if I’ll jump and fall in the sky.

...there was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt..
aalto

The Land of No Return (when you did something that can not be undone)
aalto

3rd door

There is always another option... no matter what you do, no matter what decission you want to take, no matter what situation youre into, there is another way out. It is like the 3rd door.

It is funny that most of the people forget about it and disregard it.

again ships and harbors

The worst thing that may happen if you're a ship is not to realise were your harbor is... to travel far and trying many harbors but never realise, or pass, the one you belong to.

Like a cursed ship you'll be travelling all your life.

But no we can't accept this. Can we? We are all humans and like humans do, we all have hope. And we hope our harbor will still come even if we passed it once.

We need to believe that we have a second chance in this case.

ships and harbors

Now i understand we can't be ship and harbor in the same time. Sometimes we are waiting for someone or something, some other times we search for someone or something. Sometimes we are harbors sometimes ships.

Prague - The golden city
aalto

Prague under snow
aalto

New York via Prague

I want to return to Prague.... It's such a nice city and for a short moment it was my harbor.. Kundera is describing Prague just like i would... It is a city which for me is promising a lot. I had felt home there. And also there i had realized that it is not the buildings or the architecture that makes a city, but the people. This of course is partially true but at some point i was looking so much after a clear answer at this question (what makes the city) that I came up with this answer. It's the people living in that city that makes the city.

And another example is New York. The expression of the civil engineering limits before an aesthetic search. Better said the expression of the capitalism and were it leads... I didn't like NewYork. A whole business city, and if you go outside Manhattan you will see also the effects of capitalism, the side effects. And in the end also the people made me feel unwelcome. Hurry people, looking for themselves only. Busy living their own small lives.

I was so happy when i returned afterwards in Prague.

Magellan
aalto

The age of great explorers

We all are ships on the waters of the soul.... we look for our harbor and if we are lucky enough we will find it. I am feeling like in the age of great explorers, when ships were away for years and then when they were returning home... nothing was like that. I 'm looking for my harbor... I've been sailing for long time and i want to fell home again..I guess I’ve never actually felt home.. just like the great explorers.
And this is happening especially because i was away for so long. and maybe as soon as i'll find my harbor I would leave again over the oceans but this time i know were i'll return... and when i'll return the crew of my ship will all come on the deck and enjoy the moment we enter the harbor, the moment we arrived home. and of course that we might have found many harbors on the way... but none is ours...maybe they are waiting for their own ships either....

So in the end my crew is returning in open waters... still searching for the one harbor..