spring
aalto

again clubs

..every morning when i am going to the office i am putting on another face of mine...evertime i am getting in the elevator to return home i am leaving it like a dead skin..behind me...

i was returning from my office and i had again the feeling of emptiness...that evertything is pointless and that I am wasting my time doing something that is neither relevant nor enough nor that i like...

..i haven't build anything yet, if i will die tomorow there will be so few to remember me....there will be nothing to leave behind......

and i am doing something that i don't see it as something to develop myself...or not in the way i can take the maximum of myself....i think that what it is considred by others as being in general good to do, is in fact something that you start to get used with so that at some point you can't see any other way except the way that you had learned....

...yes i am scared of responsability...and yes i am considering myself a free being...but in fact i am not.. i have to give from my space..from the freedom of my thought....to obbey the rules of society..that society had created in order to make individuals living all together in peace and unity... society, society, society, society, society, society, society, society, society, society, society, society, society, society, society, society, society, society, society, society....

...i am feeling ultimately sad, or depressed? or distant - i don't know how to discribe...and it starts to get cronic everytime i am returning home from the office...

....
aalto

toxic
aalto

...
aalto

hunting
aalto

ultraviolet
aalto

why are we lying to ourselves

I am trying a feeling that, I know that it had been there forever and that I had been trying to avoid it all the time... a feeling that I want to confirm but I am afraid to do it…..because this feeling is denying my self image - the image that I had created about me.

All the things that are coming into contradiction to the things we believe about ourselves are immediately repressed and restricted by our mind. We can even lie to ourselves in order to be in accordance to the self portrait we created.

self-portrait alias self-image = a series of patterns taken from different places that we would like to define as ourselves

going to disco

disco....
first you get to the favorite disco and find out is closed.. even if the parties are announce on the web that are in every Friday and Saturday and that even today at this date it was "the best of..."....ok maybe they just moved a bit and now they have another entrance close to the old one... no they don't or at least I quit...I am going to he second one on the list...in fact for me is only one favorite and the rest are compromises.

.. anyway get there...I see people at the entrance this means it is open...stay in front of it a couple of minutes: "is this my last chance?? Do I have another option which is close and has good music?".. No ... so I enter... get down the stairs, pay entrance and I see myself in the see of people...the rules are simple FALLOW THE CROWD...if you get in the stream of people going to the bar get to the bar first, if you get in the stream of people going to the dance floor fallow it without bear for the moment

...enter the dance floor... is like a sauna..like a soup....no better is like a hot steaming jelly pudding.. there is barely no ventilation....everyone is sweating....dancing means rubbing others on their backs, shoulders and so on....if they jump, jump with them - otherwise you will get stepped on your fingers without you having the opportunity to step on others toes...you don't feel like breathing air but others breath...thanks good they use soap... and still if you have bad luck you might whished not to get there from the first place...

..in rest good music...cheep prices...nice people..partying people...big chances to meet someone you knew...

...

..bites...

“[…]...if u did the art in your album...then I am rather impressed”

I wished I would have done that works…. however I haven't reached such of level of expressing myself to the others, to the exterior I would say....I am still defining a language to express to myself and then to others... I am still developing myself... many of my feelings are unknown to me because I can't put them in words or in something that I can express like pictures or paintings... I am also developing and trying to find the ways of expressing myself :) I like words... however I find pictures and paintings more sincere when it comes to express one's self.

“i like the way you express yourself...(it makes something move in my stomach)well even if you didn't do the art ...it speaks for you that you like it...do you do art at all?”

I do of course...and now while I am writing I just realised what makes me writing to you - and though it might not make you happy because I see it as a selfish way and a good opportunity to talk about me, I am still admitting and saying this to you - I am drawing as well, and my drawing might be close to that that you had seen, indeed i also find them defining for myself and speaking about me, I am also writing.. i am trying to put my feelings thoughts in order to have a broad perspective of myself... I am trying analysing myself and the mechanisms behind my decisions desires will motivation... I am trying to feed my mind in order to give the maximum in order to create new things...I am searching for myself…. and is not the words of a person who is dreaming eyes opened but of a person who knows what wants... I want to find and express to me and to the others the thing(s) that I am here for.

“first of all...it does make me happy that you are expressing yourself to me...I like expression and creativity...my life revolves around these 2 principlesI would like to say to you that it is not necessary to search for yourself...your...SELF...is always there...simply learn to become more aware of it... explore it.... get to know it ...increase the things that you like...decrease the things that you don't like”

Expressing myself to you is a great opportunity for myself to reach the level of understanding that is necessary for me to pass further on to a deeper analysis of myself... i consider it an selfish thing because i see first the advantage i draw from it and not the pleasure that you might obtain ...
Things we don't like are just another part of us...they might explain many things that we will never be, otherwise, aware of...
However I agree with you “when decreasing things that we don't like”...just like many others said "you can't make philosophy with empty stomach" :))

“well i should add... before decreasing the things we don't particularly like...it is wise to explore it first...find out why it is there... how it got there...those things desire expression also...it is not selfish if i get pleasure from your self expression...especially if you know that i do... "

"[...]...i believe in expression creativity and potentialin myself and in others...i find that there are not so many individuals in the world who feel the same...or even interested in that...so it gives me pleasure when i meet one that is able to honestly express themselves (no matter what it is they have to say)most people don't understand that every creation of life is all a part of the other.................ONE................ "

..never seen nordic lights...
aalto

far away
aalto

one person

not being able to draw a line completely between professional and personal life
thinking that everyone newly met might be a friend
getting more familiar and friendly with is working companions
not accepting all the time the reality - like to imagine a better situation and then live it
trusting foreigners is better than trusting your fellows
taking too much about himself when feeling anguished or that he believes that the other one is listening - though is also only in his imagination because he realize that the other one is just too silent and not too interested.
talking from his thoughts too much
talking too much when feeling fine
like talking about him - too self centered, - his favorite subject of monologue is him, him and his feelings, him and his relations, him and his life
not listening to others - considers that they have too less to say or not as important as he would like
like to sacrifice himself for others
sometimes looks like coming from another planet, he is thinking deep inside of him
generous not stupid
smiling friendly - but also smiling with understandings and messages
not being able to forgive and pass over things in past
like not to take his revenge but to let the others know that the issue is still there
thinking others will give him good advices of were he should go in life - when he knows that the best advices are only given to him by himself
not liking to make compromises
not accepting that people can be like this bad
trying to improve things - but also likes standing alone against waves
trust the truth in the appropriate situation - if not, invent it!
better lying to himself
not very ordered
speaking too much
looking for the final way of thinking that will insure the way to success, self sufficiency, self development, efficient, maximizing his powers
don't like routine
hate masses of people - are inspiring superficiality
trusting himself
searching for his instincts - trying to fallow them and still do his job
doing to many things at one time
speaking too fast
having strange images of distant lands in his head
hoping he might change the world
afraid of getting like all the rest in the same see of indiference
radical and perfectionist